Friday, March 21, 2008

THE OFFICIAL VELO BELLA CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT

Completely stolen from The Guiver/Flavill Enterprise

1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said velo bella cyclist wins with appropriate style.

2. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex shorts or any team kit containing non-prominent Velo Bella Logo's.

3. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks shall be pink in colour with prominent logo placement.

4. Cycling shoes must be of pink colour only!
-in certain circumstances, other colours, such as world
cup stripes are perfectly acceptable and encouraged.
-Red shoes are NOT ENDORSED by this group.

5. If pink cycling shoes are not available where you reside, pink booties with prominent logos shall always be worn.

6. You're bike frame must contain more than 3 colours, and must always fit tastefully with your wheel selection.

7. Zipp's are to be used as training wheels ONLY. You shall race only on pink Lightweights and occasionally pink Bora's if no lightweights are accessible.

8. Ridiculously stylish eye wear is to be worn at all time without exception. Along with pink fluff and pearls.

9. In most circumstances, hair shall be kept tied back with pink or blue girly stuff, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your velo bella kit.

10. In several cases, it is deemed acceptable to have short hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum velo bella-styling, and helmet shall be worn with fluff attached. Stylish sport eyewear shall be worn at all times while exercising this option.

11. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is banned, the tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.

12. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken with the velo bella-rider wearing team kit and appropriately matching casual velo bella shoes (such as flip flops). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above. The rider is expected to display an appropriate amount of cleavage (if available) while receiving kisses/trophy.

13. The seat shall ALWAYS be pink along with the handlebar tape, and must be made in Italy or France.
- Exceptions to this rule are seats or handlebar tape
containing the following colours: Blue,
Olympic Gold, French flag colour combo.

14. You shall not, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than $4000 USD in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.

15. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. In some cases, certain hair removal creams endorsed by succesful bella's are deemed to be acceptable.

16. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to her legs before appearing in public.

17. Facial hair will be restricted to one or two hairs, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED.
The only exception to the facial hair shall be very SHORT sideburns--these are acceptable at the discretion of Kate or a similar authority figure, on a case-by-case basis.

18. Pink ceramic bearings shall be used at all time on both training and race bikes.

19.
Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. This includes any form of work or housecleaning and their derivatives (this includes mowing).

20. You shall never rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image. ***Disregard***

21. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you shall ride up uncomfortably close to them and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves. (Which must be pink/blue/black)


22. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the trunk of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in French. Wild arm/head are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage. Sometimes crying really loud helps.

23. Training is based solely on feel while racing is be guided by sensations and instinct. A real Bella cyclist never gives in to scientific training methods.

25. ALL BIKES shall feature personalized nameplates next to ones home town located on the top-tube within 10 cm seat-tube ON ONE SIDE ONLY.

26. Pedals MUST be either Speedplay, Time, or Look. No other pedals are to be considered and ANY form of Shimano product is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. If one is found possessing Shimano pedals, title of Bella cyclist will be stripped immediately.

27. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all). Of course Baileys is considered an cream full of nutrients and should be used as a post ride recovery drink.

28. All pre and post-race activity will be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massage, interviews, and looking fantastic) leaving one in reasonable distance of the NY-sun to top up your enviable tanlines or pose for photo’s.

29. Post-race, you must be utterly tied to your mobile phone, making endless calls to your incredibly attractive euro-boyfriend or important executives from modelling agencies. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.

30. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of the bike.

31. Team bikes will be built up so that they violate the UCI weight limit, in order that weights might be attached to the frame to demonstrate its superiority and lightness.

32. Pink bar tape shall be kept in pristine pink condition and NEVER extend further than 3cm past the hoods (exception during spring classics, where standard bar tape wrapping is allowed). This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.

33. Motivational music during training MUST consist of Alanis Morisset, or deep-trance hard-style london techno hereby known as Chomba Wamba. NO EXCEPTIONS.

34. Nothing short of a pink fluff (manufactured by Micheals, joan fabrics) will be used. The only exception is special blue or black fluff which can be preferable in some situations (such as jen our tomboy) where colour coordination is key. Ex. black cage with pink/blue team kit.

35. A pearl necklace is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races, stage races and citizen races.

36. While soloing in for a victory, you will ensure your jersey is fully zipped and straight, so all title sponsors are clearly visible. You will then smile and flex arms while pointing skywards. The projection of ones fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

37. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor’s products, one shall appear either fully nude or in full Armani little black dresses. Smiling is prohibited in these instances.

39. And lastly, make sure you notice every other woman out there riding against you, drooling over the fact that you are on the most fun team with the coolest looking kit! Bella's rock.

1 Comments:

At March 21, 2008 at 10:36 AM, Blogger Jenn Entropy said...

Yeah baby, YEAH!!

 

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